You Want something from them— but you want it to come from *them*.

This is one of my favourite cognitive distortions (i.e. wrong thoughts) in early relationships:

You want something to happen, but you want the other person to instigate it.

Let me explain.

I have a client who flat out says she refuses to bring up the topic of commitment — in her mind, it has to come from the man she's dating.
I have another friend who just spent a week with a guy and now wants him to make the next move.

What I hear underneath both is this:

“I need to know I’m important to them.”

And for me, that need usually comes from fear.
Fear — and a false idea of how other people work.

Why It Seems Reasonable (But Isn’t)

The thought “I refuse to instigate a conversation about commitment — it has to come from him” is totally understandable.
Of course you want the other person to bring it up. That way, it proves they’re serious. You don’t have to wonder. You don’t have to risk anything. It would feel like proof that you matter.

But here’s the issue:
What’s the deadline for that happening? Three months? Six?

And what happens if they don’t bring it up in that time? Do you walk away? Do you just hope harder?

And what if — stay with me — what if they already think you’re committed?
What if they don’t need to say it, because to them, it’s obvious?

This Is Where It All Goes Sideways

Here’s the real problem: not everyone thinks or feels the same way you do.

You could be perceiving the relationship as casual, while the other person sees it as serious.
You might be needing clarity while they’re completely relaxed and settled.
You might assume they’re seeing other people — but they aren’t.
You might be sitting in uncertainty — while they’re already in it with you.

And they have no idea you’re waiting.

Expecting someone to read your mind never works. Not in dating, not in long-term relationships, not anywhere.

The Deeper Patterns at Play

That need for the other person to go first is often tied to deeper stuff — old emotional patterns that have become our “normal.”

These might sound like:

• “People I love might leave.” (so I wait to see if they’ll stay)

• “There’s something wrong with me.” (so if they don’t initiate, maybe I was right)

• “My needs don’t get met.” (so I stay quiet and hope this time will be different)

These beliefs are so familiar that we don’t even notice them. But they’re usually the ones pulling the strings.

And Now, the Perfect Storm

Let’s make it even messier.

Imagine they also have their own fears.
(Spoiler: they do.)

So now:
They’re waiting for you to say something.
You’re waiting for them.
No one is saying anything.
And both people are making up stories in their heads to explain the silence.

This is how two people who might really like each other end up in a vague, ambiguous mess.
It happens all the time. And it usually keeps happening until one person finally gets tired of it and either explodes or disappears.

What You Can Do Instead

The only way out of this pattern is to say what you want — even if your voice shakes a little.

You want another date? Ask.
You want him to ask you? Tell him that matters to you.
You want to be exclusive? Say it.
You want to be boyfriend and girlfriend? Let that be known.
You want him to ask you to be his girlfriend? Make that clear.

Whatever it is — name it.

Not because it guarantees a perfect outcome. But because staying silent guarantees nothing at all.

Final Thought

This advice isn’t gendered — I’ve used pronouns for ease, but swap them however you need to.
The dynamic is the same: you want something, but you won’t ask for it. You're hoping they’ll read your mind, because asking feels too risky.

And yes, I know — asking can be terrifying.
But clarity is kinder than guessing.

Every time.

Written by Leslie, Integrative Therapist (CBT, EMDR, mindfulness). Want help navigating this kind of dynamic in your own life? I offer online therapy sessions and work with clients around fear, overthinking, attachment, and clarity in relationships.