#3: We pulled it off!

How to break up with your best friend.

I couldn’t exactly move straight away.

For many reasons.

The first— we were in the middle of the winter season. We were both working like crazy, and there wouldn't be any accommodation free until Spring.

The second, I am still growing my business— sudden charges off 800+/month (yep, that’s a 1-bedroom around here) weren’t absorbable.

And besides— I owned our apartment. It didn’t feel right to pay rent on the side when my name is on a property.

But also— apartments here are terrible. Studios with no windows. 20 metres squared, furnished with old throw-aways. Studios with a click-clack couch that folds out into your bed.

I’m turning 40 and I’ve been building my own spaced for twelve years— I’m not leaving all of my stuff to my ex and moving with my two cats into a POS studio apartment.

And so we lived together for six months before I finally found a place that I could exist in happily, without drowning myself financially. My partner was kind in allowing me to take my time (on the other hand, I do own the apartment with him, so ‘allowing’ is a gracious word).

At first, emotions were high. I emplored him to wait two months for the emotional wave to come down a bit so that we could then discuss what to do next. He agreed.

My partner and I have been best friends for 5.5 years… and that’s part of the problem.

We share similar activities; we love music, we love to travel, to try things, to eat, to ski, to surf, to hike, to play music together, to visit ancient sites, to appreciate history and spirituality and culture… and we compliment each other on some of the things we don’t match on— for instance, I love cooking but hate cleaning— so things worked out. We were extremely good at doing things together, at building a life as partners.

The most connected and functional parts of our relationship were our incredible friendship, and our band.

He didn’t think we could live together, be friends or continue the musical project. My heart broke all over again.

I tried to carry him toward my vision of things: how unfortunate it would be to throw away all of the good parts of our relationship… all because we couldn’t gain the part we never had? It didn’t make sense to me. It was throwing out a good, real loving friendship for an idea about having something more. A ‘more’ we never really managed to connect to wholly.

Slowly, over months and careful cultivation of a kind and conscious breakup and a maintained love and friendship… we did it.

He found playing music together difficult at first, and then realised that’s the place where we connect the most. He agreed to keep playing with me for another year before he moves away to pursue his new dream. I was so relieved.

He told me to stay in the house for as long as I needed so that I could find the right home for myself… he didn’t want to see me unhappy in an overpriced POS apartment any more than I did.

And we agreed that we are, in a way, soul mates— and that our friendship is worth cherishing. As I write this, my heart surges a bit… he is so important to me.

Eventually, we were able to talk about how happy we would be to be in each others’ lives in the future— that I would be happy to have a friendship with his future partner and kids, and he felt the same.

I am so proud of us.

This has taken enormous effort on the part of both— a mutual agreement to take care of the breakup, to take care of the friendship actively. To talk things out if we need to, but to keep unnecessary resentment to ourselves for the sake of our love as friends going forward. To repair after the times we couldn’t avoid expressing the resentment.

It has been so painful, but I truly believe we have pulled off one of the best breakups in human history.

I am so grateful to have him in my life. He has been such an important person in my growth. With him I was able to transform, to feel safe, to feel partnered, and to show myself that I am capable of committing and building a life with someone.

These lessons will serve me in paramount ways going forward.

Ben, I am so thankful to you.